you should see this fruit i just got http://tinyurl.com/qa3d9ud
Author Archives: Lindsey
you should try some of this fruit :) htt
you should try some of this fruit 🙂 http://tinyurl.com/pva3nyb
this is where i got mine =D http://tinyu
this is where i got mine =D http://tinyurl.com/k3spdkr
this is the best one out there http://ti
this is the best one out there http://tinyurl.com/o69oa3s
this is the best one out there http://ti
this is the best one out there http://tinyurl.com/o69oa3s
…………..
Every year I think I’m getting better. Every year I feel like I’m moving on. And every year the 17th of July comes around and I get sucker punched.
I miss her so much.
Life
Next year I’m turning 30. We all bitch about our age, but the fact is, this kid will never know what it’s like to be 30. He won’t even get to feel 26. life is so much more than an age. It’s more than twilight or rugby players. It’s more than movie premieres and 2am games. So why are we all so damn invested in these things when there’s an entire world we should be living in. A world that inevitably will go on when we die. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to live in this world? We say it all the time but no one ever listens. You can not take life for granted. You can not think that every day is a given. It’s not. I never got the chance to get to know Clint. But I can tell he was loved. And I can see that he LIVED his life. So why don’t we live ours?
Decisions
How does one make one of the biggest decisions of their child’s life? How do I sign a piece of a paper that is going to put her through major surgery? Surgery that will impact the rest of her life. How do I do this and know that this is what’s best for her? Why does this have to happen now. I’m not prepared to deal with this. I’m not strong enough.
Stories
I went through a few boxes of stuff today, trying to consolidate some of the crap my mom had saved for me. Most of it was my school work from when I was younger, but in the middle of one box I stumbled upon a group of papers with her writing on it. I put them aside to read later. Well later is here and I just finished reading them. The papers were written by my mom for a college class she was taking. It’s the story of my birth. I’d heard the story many times over the 26 years I had with her. I loved the story, what kid doesn’t love hearing their mom talk about them. But I haven’t heard the story in more than two and a half years. Sure I could ask my dad to tell me, but it’s not the same. Reading it tonight brings up so many emotions. I miss her so much but am realizing I don’t get to change this. She’s gone forever. The one person who had such a profound impact on my life.
She’s been gone for more than two years, yet she’s still making me the person who I am today. The person who I want to be. Without her I would never know the meaning of what it’s like to be loved. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be completely and utterly crushed, heartbroken. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to try and heal your heart. She could have done so many more things if only she had been given a few more years. I can only imagine the impact she would of had on Emily’s life since Erik and I’s divorce. But I can’t go back and change that. What’s happened has happened and that’s how it has to be. It’s taken a long time but I’m starting to accept that. I know that she is here with me, every moment of every day. I know that she is looking out for me and rolling her eyes at some of the things I do or say. I know that she supports me in anything I do (with the exception of the cigarettes. She’d kick my ass for that). But she knows that in the end my priority is my daughter. My life has to come second. Emily’s will always come first. After all that’s how she raised us. There were no mommy nights out. She was always there. Feeding us, reading to us, loving us. She made us her priority. And I have to do that with Emily.
I tried to venture into the dating world late last year. It didn’t last long. I found a guy that put Emily and I first. But I couldn’t reciprocate. I can’t put someone else first, or even close to the top. Emily is my whole life. If I have to spend every day showing people that then I will. And one day I’ll write the story of Emily’s birth so that she too will have it to read one day. I just hope she has more than 26 years with me. I can’t bear the thought of her going through the heartbreak that I’ve gone through. After all, she’s my little girl.
Just Me..... 